I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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