What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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