I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
