I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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