i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
