if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
