Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
