Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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