I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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