Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
