Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
