I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
