im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
