her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
