totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You've changed since you got that strap on
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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