I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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