I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
there was a trapeze. enough said
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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