My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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