I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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