So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
