:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
