Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
