Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
