u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
