Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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