I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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