i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
