In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You are the jesus of drinking
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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