yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
