Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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