i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
