Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I need to stop coming to work sober
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
