I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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