I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
