Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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