Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
