I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
