i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
