a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
