Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Did I show you my penis last night?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
