a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
