I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
