We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
