Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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