Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
