Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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