There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I wish there were birth control emojis
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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