Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
