yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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