I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
