we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
