My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
